LETTERS TO MY DAUGHTER
THE ART OF DRINKING
A LOT CAN BE SAID ABOUT A MAN’S CHOICE IN LIBATION
My Dear Daughter,
I know how upset you get when I have had a few too many, but I tell you, some of the greatest men in history have been victims to the nectar of the Gods. FDR would often have to be carried up to his room after a multi-martini lunch; Churchill would start his day with a shot of whisky. And to think, these two men saved the world. Of course there will be no father of the year award for me, but I can tell you what to look for in a man and what to run from.
First let’s discuss whom to run from, without hesitation. There is that kind of guy that wants to look sophisticated by ordering a cocktail. He wants to seem important and unique so he orders a Rob Roy, an Old Fashioned or a Manhattan. Sure, on occasion this is absolutely normal; however, if the bloke is slinging these back one after the other you should run for the hills. Not only is he going to be idiotically drunk, he most likely is a pretentious ass hat.
The other guy, well you should know right away is most likely not into you because he likes guys…yes the guy that orders a frozen, blended drink that comes garnished with fruit and a straw. I have nothing against anyone, and everyone should enjoy what they enjoy without judgement. I am just sharing the knowledge I have acquired through all my years of drinking to prevent you from being disappointed.
Now, the guy you may want to pay attention to is easy to identify. This guy has no more than three ingredients in his drink. The three ingredients include the glass and ice if needed, but more than likely you will find this gent drinking either wine, beer in the summer and scotch whisky - not all at one time, that would make this guy an asshole. I would say bourbon also but he’s still finding his way.
All my love,
Dad
THE GENT’S CHOICE IN LIBATION
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CHOOSE A SINGLE MALT OR BLEND OF YOUR CHOICE, BUT WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE SHOULD BE AGED AT LEAST 12 YEARS. IF YOU NEED A WHISKY IN THE SUMMER, YOU MAY CONSIDER ADDING A CUBE OF ICE. ON ALL OTHER OCCASSIONS, DRINK IT NEAT, IT IS HOW GOD INTENDED IT.
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FOR SUMMER MONTHS, IT IS HARD TO BEAT AN ICE COLD BEER. AVOID THE HIPSTER BULLSHIT AND STICK WITH THE REAL THINGS. CHOOSE COORS BANQUET, THE YELLOW JACKET. COORS LIGHT ON THE GOLF COURSE. MILLER HIGH LIFE IS THE CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS AND THE CLEAR BOTTLE IS VERY COOL. CHOOSE MODELO NEGRO AFTER AN INTENSE WORKOUT. YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH A GREAT STOUT.
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CHOOSE WHITE IN THE SUMMER AND RED IN THE FALL AND WINTER. ENJOY THE SEASONS, UNLESS YOU LIVE ON AN ISLAND. SUMMER VARIETALS SHOULD STAY CRISP AND CLEAN. VERMENTINOS, SAUV BLANCS, WHITE BURGUNDIES. FOR FALL, HARD TO BEAT A RICH PINOT AND OF COURSE ENJOY THE REDS AS YOU WISH.
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